the real world beckons.

On Monday night, I pulled my first all-nighter of the semester.  It's not something I do often, not even at Oberlin, though it's increased in frequency over the past year.  I don't know what it is about writing a paper, but I just can't seem to bring myself to budget my time wisely.  I think back to high school and all the lessons they tried to drill into my head and I wonder whether it was worth the effort.  It didn't matter how many times Mr. Wolf recited the Seven-Ps, ticking them off on his fingers for emphasis, or how often Mrs. Messick called us slackers, I was still scribbling out essays on original intent during calculus to be turned in the next period.  Some people gamble their money to feel a rush, but I prefer my time.

Anyway, with one paper down, I'm beginning to think ahead.  How am I going to pack all my stuff?  What will I need during the summer?  Where will I go?  How will I get there?  Do I have the money?  When am I going home?  Will I find a job?  Can I visit friends in different states?  What will I do for my 21st birthday?  Can I do an Honors project?  Where am I going to live next semester?  Will I get my jobs back at Oberlin?  What classes will I take?  Can I teach an Irish dance ExCo?

Inevitably, I cast my thoughts so far into the future that I begin to drown in them.  Already I'm thinking about applying for a Shansi Fellowship to teach in Japan, or maybe I'll apply for the Naturalist internship at the Glen.  Or I'll take a year off and work somewhere at home to boost my savings account before I head out into the world again.  I suppose I could (and should) go to grad school... The possibilities are endless, and if it seems like I have a plan and my life's in order, then there's clearly something wrong with you because I don't think anything terrifies me more than what lies ahead.

And I guess the point of this all is to say that I can feel my time in Ireland coming to an end.  The sun is shining and the world is beautiful, but I have exams to write and trips to plan... I don't like the thought of leaving any people or places because I always do it wrong.  There's always something missing when it's all said and done, and I'm always left regretful.  There's a quote from Catcher in the Rye that really sums it up quite wonderfully: "What I was really hanging around for, I was trying to feel some kind of a good-bye.  I mean, I've left schools and places I didn't even know I was leaving them.  I hate that.  I don't care if it's a sad good-by or a bad good-bye, but when I leave a place, I like to know I'm leaving it.  If you don't, you feel even worse."  So what I'm trying to say is that I want to do it right.  I don't want to ever have that feeling of "Oh, but I never did/said this...!"

And even if that is a little hypocritical coming from the girl who doesn't want to go to Paris again and who doesn't have a particularly burning desire to experience Italy, Greece, or even London, I just feel like those things will happen later on in my life if they're meant to be.  Years ago, I would have told you I'd never make it to Ireland, but here I am, and I want to do a half-assed job of making the most of it.  So here's to planning trips and managing money and finishing all these exams so I can get out there and enjoy what I've got left!