you've been a long way away

So, I was watching a movie in our college's German House.  Mind you, it was a movie I love about a group I love that sang songs I love, so I was generally pretty content.  I'd spent the day coloring with crayons, reading primary source documents, taking part in tea parties behind the information desk, and chatting with friends.  So, yeah, I'd say I was pretty content.  And then these lyrics happened:

Irgendwo auf der Welt gibt’s ein kleines bißchen Glück,
und ich träum davon in jedem Augenblick.
Irgendwo auf der Welt gibt’s ein bißchen Seligkeit,
und ich träum davon schon lange, lange Zeit.
Wenn ich wußt’, wo das ist, ging ich in die welt hinein,
denn ich möcht’ einmal recht, so von Herzen glücklich sein.
Irgendwo auf der Welt fängt mein Weg zum Himmel an
Irgendwo, irgendwie, irgendwann.

Very roughly this translates to: "Somewhere in the world, there's a little bit of bliss, and I dream about it all the time.  If I knew where it was, I'd travel the whole wide world over, because all I really want is to be happy.  Somewhere, somehow, someday."  Now, I've heard these lyrics a lot, and they've always struck a chord with me.  They're sad-but-sweet, and they're true, and really just...Well, they're fabulous, but they've never hit me quite like they did when I was biking home.  I was honestly just whistling the tune while waiting for the stop light to change so I could continue my commute homewards.  I was looking at the holiday decorations and the war memorial and then, all of a sudden--BAM!  Fernweh, wanderlust, get-me-out-of-here-can't-you-see-I'm-trapped!

Don't get me wrong.  It's not that I don't like it here.  Well, I'll be honest and say I don't always like it here.  I have a very love-hate relationship with Oberlin, but I love Ohio and I've lived here all my life.  Unless someone dashing from another state comes along and gives me a good reason to leave forever, I'll probably live here the rest of my life.  There is a very big part of me, in fact, that enjoys being a hermit Hobbit homebody, which is probably why the prospect of not traveling over breaks this year didn't ruin my life.  But every Hobbit needs an adventure, and I'm seriously Bilbo-ing hard right now.  I want to see mountains, Gandalf!  Mountains! There's a huge big world out there, and it makes me feel tiny, but I'm like those super-flexi trash bags!  I can take it all in, no worries, !  Please, please, please, please, please let me go!

I guess...what I'm trying to say (really, honest-to-God) is not that I'm unhappy here.  I'm definitely some sort of happy here.  I've been down, but I'm on the up and it's feeling good.  But there's still another sort of happy out there that I left behind.  I want to have a plan, a direction.  I want my confidence back.  The past few days, I've been dreaming of Ireland and Germany.  I've been lost in the Dublin airport again, on the trams in Dresden, splashing my feet in the Corrib, sleeping in a creaky hostel cot.  I traveled to Ireland by myself, around Ireland (sometimes) by myself, across Europe by myself, but sometimes, when I'm here, I'm afraid to walk home from the library by myself.  Loneliness here can be crushing.  Loneliness abroad is empowering.

So, yeah.  It's late, I'm tired, and introspection doesn't suit me.  Basically, just know that, yes, I'm going to see mountains again, and--yup!--I'm going to travel the world, and then I'll know how to be truly happy somewhere, somehow, someday...